


Special Star

by Biket



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Falling In Love, Growing Up Together, M/M, Punk Yamaguchi Tadashi, Trust Issues, Tsukishima Week 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:08:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26684188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Biket/pseuds/Biket
Summary: Tsukishima had always felt drawn to the moon.He often wondered if the moon felt lonely, just as he did. If she sometimes wished for the sun to stay a little bit longer at her side, to see what she was missing during the day, what she didn’t get to witness when she was up there, in the sky, all alone. Maybe she’d talk to the stars, asking for company, asking for someone, anyone. She must have spent a lot of time up there, maybe she’d found a special star, a star she would think highly of and take good care of, always watching her shining brightly at her side.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 47





	Special Star

**Author's Note:**

> I was too lazy to write 7 OS for Tsukishima's birthday week so have this instead!  
> I love this salty boy very much and I hope you'll enjoy my interpretation of him
> 
> Prompts: moon, shield, fall, music, punk, college & birthday

« _If you ever go, all the songs that we like  
Will sound like bittersweet lullabies_ »  
Joji - Like You Do

Whether he’d want to admit it or not, Tsukishima needed shields to face life, it wasn’t new. Even as a child, he never quite learned how to deal with time passing, things evolving around him. It’s always been a struggle for him up with the flow of life, to know where to be headed. But he managed, of course he did. Sure, he didn’t know how to cope with it but that didn’t mean he didn’t know how to face everything that came his way. And it’s not like he was completely alone in the first place. His brother was always at his side with a bright smile on his face and a warmth in his words Tsukishima never found in anyone else.

It was easier that way. He didn’t have to worry about a thing, didn’t need to overthink anything. Not when he was looking forward to living each day to the fullest, be happy and smile while listening to his brother’s stories. Life was simple back then. He didn’t worry about a thing, didn’t need to build wall after wall to avoid facing the cold, harsh, reality. But life stopped being simple when Kei stared into his brother’s eyes on the other side of the gym, only seeing despair in it. 

At the time, he wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that. Was he supposed to be fine with it? He wasn’t. Was he supposed to understand his brother’s stupid sense of pride? He didn’t. A few hours later, while lying in bed in the cold silence of his bedroom, he tried to understand what feelings were trying to tear his heart apart. Sure he’d felt lost at the moment but now it was different. Now he didn’t feel like talking to his brother to ask him why he didn’t say anything. He didn’t care why Akiteru didn’t talk to him about it, he was too angry to care. Why didn’t his brother tell him the truth? Why did he have to betray him like that? Didn’t he trust him? But why wouldn’t he? Kei had always been at his side, and he was proud of his big brother no matter what. He didn’t care if he wasn’t the ace in a powerhouse’s team, he didn’t care about that as long as Akiteru would come home every night and tell him stories about the club while practicing a bit with him.

But Akiteru had lied and Kei had never learned how to trust someone again after being betrayed. So he didn’t even try. Didn’t understand why he should. He’d say he didn’t care but that would be a lie on his part this time. Of course he cared. Akiteru was his brother, of course he’d care. But apparently, his brother didn’t care enough about him to tell him the truth and it was disappointing. Painful, even. And even though he wasn’t alone - bless Tadashi for staying by his side when really, he’d been so annoying during that time, more than usual - it still felt like everything he put between the world and himself had shattered and could never be fixed. 

It was no wonder he tried to find a new shield then. Without Akiteru at his side to help him get through the day and prevent him from overthinking every little thing, Kei was at loss. Losing his brother had meant losing the sunshine, the bright light Akiteru ironically embodied for Kei. After the betrayal, he felt like the moon in his name. Alone in a sky so dark sometimes you couldn’t even see it. He was envious of the moon. Sometimes he too would like to disappear. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with his brother’s pathetic attempts at reconciling. He wouldn’t have to deal with his mother’s patronizing words or even the sad and worried look Tadashi was giving him every time he thought Kei wasn’t looking. 

The only time he felt like he could truly disappear and be left alone, was when he was listening to music. He asked for headphones for his tenth birthday, along with a phone and when he got it, the first thing he did was download at least fifty different songs. Some were just instrumental pieces, others had lyrics to it but all of them were slow-paced, calming. It would help him on the way to school then on his way home. In middle school, he couldn’t use his phone during the day but if he had the right, he would have listened to his favorite songs during lunch too. 

Always by his side, Tadashi, he now called Yamaguchi, watched. He watched Tsukki fade into music, watched him cut himself from reality when everything was just a bit too much and he felt helpless. Jealous, sometimes. Of course, Tsukishima never knew that until much later. But he’s not blind neither he is stupid. He knows in the way Yamaguchi often glances at him weirdly that something’s wrong, he sees it in the apprehension in his eyes and the uncomfortable silence they now share more often than not. And he’s convinced to know what it is about. 

Because Akiteru’s betrayal never really left his mind, Tsukishima is convinced it’s only a matter of time before Yamaguchi betrays him too. He knows one day the freckled boy will lie to him or do something to hurt him. Like leaving. And he’s convinced it’ll be his fault too, this time again. It’d be easier if he’d be able to cut himself off Yamaguchi to avoid future damages, but he can’t bring himself to do that. Deep down, he knows his best friend still thinks about what the bullies used to tell him back when Tsukishima wasn’t by his side. He knows leaving him would only break him and it’d be more painful than everything he had to endure in the past. And he can’t do that, he can’t betray him like that. He’s not Akiteru, he won’t lie. 

He won’t hurt Tadashi.

* * *

As time passes, Yamaguchi is still there. He still walks to school with him, has lunch with him, talks to him about his latest obsession, and goes back home with him too. Nothing seems to change between them. Everything is still the same except Tsukishima starts to feel funny whenever Yamaguchi asks to spend the night almost every Friday because he’s too scared to go home after watching a horror movie, or whatever lame excuse he can find. It’s not fear, it’s not apprehension. It’s something he has never known until now. It’s new, it’s terrifying, it hurts, and he wants it gone. But the feeling doesn’t go away.

When they finally start high school, Tsukishima’s heart still hurts when he thinks too much about Yamaguchi’s enthusiasm when he talks about the volleyball club or when their fingers brush when they walk side to side. But it hurts too when the freckled boy is not here. When it’s midnight and Tsukishima can’t sleep, when he can’t go out because he’s a bit late on his homework. But it’s not the same kind of hurt. It’s like something is missing, like he’s half empty, waiting for something, someone, _Tadashi_ , to come and fill the void. 

And when his best friend is at his side, it hurts too but it’s a good kind of hurt. It’s a warmth spreading through his entire body, coursing through his vein, forcing a smile on his otherwise condescending face. It hurts so bad Kei never wants it to stop. 

It takes him a few weeks to understand what bloomed in his heart, in his mind, since last year. But it’s such an abstract notion for him, he doesn’t really understand what it truly means. Google says it’s love. It’s him wanting to be with Yamaguchi every second of the day, every day of the week, but they’re already attached by the hip, what more could they have? Physical intimacy, that’s what Google says then. Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, things Tsukishima would never initiate with anyone but when he thinks about doing it with Yamaguchi, he can’t help but blush furiously. He hates it.

And yet, he loves it.

The more he observes Tadashi, the more he feels himself falling in love with the freckled boy. He falls in love with him every time he sees him practice over and over again to justify his place in the team. He falls in love with him during their second match against Seijoh when his serves still aren’t enough for them to win. And when his friend cried beside him, Tsukishima had to fight the urge to come closer and put an arm around his waist. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t be open with his feelings because he didn’t know how Yamaguchi felt and certainly couldn’t handle rejection at the moment. And of course he’d be rejected. He didn’t even know what Yamaguchi thought about same-sex attraction and he didn’t feel like he could ask, it was too embarrassing. So he didn’t say anything.

Instead, he fell further in love with him.

He falls in love when Yamaguchi is screaming at him about motivation and pride but Tsukishima can’t hear anything, all he can pay attention to is the way Tadashi’s freckles form beautiful constellations on his cheeks and how pretty his eyes are with this fire, this passion, in it. He falls in love when he sees the pride on his face when they scored a point thanks to his first successful float serve. He falls in love again and again and again but Tsukishima never grows tired of it. 

But sometimes, he’s reminded that love isn’t always sun and rainbow, smiles and jokes. Sometimes it’s getting hurt. Sometimes it’s having to sit by Yamaguchi and having to listen to him rambling about a girl they both know, a girl he has a crush on. Tsukishima could have told him to give up, that Yachi wasn’t interested in him but he didn’t know that and he had sworn he would never lie, not after Akiteru’s betrayal even though they had made up by now. So he listened to him rambling, complaining, he even told him to just ask her out after practice. He wanted Tadashi to be happy and if it meant he had to let him go, then so be it. 

When Yamaguchi called him a few hours after practice, Tsukishima was ready to fake a warm tone and congratulate him. Instead, he heard some incomprehensible words punctuated by sniffs. So he had come over to hear the full story, how Yachi had been so red with embarrassment, how she nearly cried when she told him she didn’t like him like that. Yamaguchi told him how surprised he was when she came out to him and _oh my god Tsukki, don’t tell anyone I told you this, I shouldn’t out her to anyone, oh my god I’m such a bad friend!_

Tsukishima can’t bring himself to be happy. Sure, Yamaguchi is still single, but he’s heartbroken. It shows in the way he starts to avoid Yachi in the first few days following his confession, it shows in the way he doesn’t smile as big as he used to or how the light in his eyes seems so dim, like it’s about to fade away. Kei is desperate for him to find his light again, to be this ball of sunshine he had always needed and, yes, it’s selfish, but he doesn’t care. 

He needs Tadashi.

* * *

Tsukishima knows something’s up when three weeks later he goes to Yamaguchi’s house and finds him in the bathroom, fighting with his own hair, transparent gloves too big for him covering his hands. He can't help but think about all those breakup storylines in movies where the heartbroken girl completely changes her style to find her identity again. He doesn't know if he should feel sad or amused at the sight of Yamaguchi struggling with the hair dye.

“What are you doing?” he asks as he leans against the doorway. He lets out a little laugh when Yamaguchi turns around, startled. 

“Dying my hair? At least I’m trying.”

“What? Why?”

I like your hair how it is now. Tsukishima almost has to bite his tongue to prevent the words from slipping out. 

“I don’t know. I needed change and I wanted to do it for a long time.”

“You never told me.” He sounds disappointed and truly, he hates it. 

“Thought I’d surprise you,” Yamaguchi mumbles but Tsukishima hears it anyway. 

He sighs.

“Move, I’ll help you,” he finally says after a moment.

This had to be the worst idea he ever had but at the time, he didn’t care. He didn’t have any experience with dying or bleaching hair but he tries his best. Yamaguchi has already separated the two different areas he wants to dye so all Tsukishima has to do is put the color on it, feeling like a painter when he uses the brush to apply it everywhere. When it’s done and Yamaguchi only has to dry his hair, Tsukishima doesn’t dare look at the results, scared that Tadashi won’t like it and be disappointed. But when he hears a squeal of joy, he’s forced to go back to the bathroom to see for himself. 

He can’t say a word. Time’s frozen for Tsukishima as his eyes can only see the dark green hair hiding the white part underneath, the purest light he’s ever seen in his friends’ eyes, and the bright smile on Yamaguchi’s lips, the same lips he’s tempted to kiss right here right now. He’s not beautiful. He’s more than that. He’s magnificent, like the brightest stars in the universe. He’s so perfect it makes Tsukishima want to cry. 

“I want to get piercings,” Yamaguchi suddenly blurts out, oblivious to Tsukishima’s admirative gaze behind him. 

“What kind?” he manages to ask after finding his voice again. 

“A septum I think. Maybe an industrial? And I want my helix pierced with two or three rings, I can’t decide.”

“Is that all?” Tsukishima can’t help but ask, sarcasm very clear in his voice. 

“Actually, I’m also thinking about a snake bite piercing, and one in the middle of my tongue but I’ll have to wait until I move out, otherwise my mom’s gonna kill me.”

Tsukishima frowns and tries to imagine what Yamaguchi would look like with piercings on his face. He’s sure it would be weird at first but he’s curious. And so he smiles and tells his best friend he can’t wait to go with him to hear him screech at the sight of the needle. Yamaguchi hits his shoulder at that but they laugh so Tsukishima knows it’s alright.

* * *

It’s little moments like this that reminds Tsukishima his love for Yamaguchi is still alive and thriving.

It’s the pride he feels when he sees him take the captain’s jersey, the same pride he had felt back in their first year when Yamaguchi scored his first service ace against Inarizaki or when they did their serve and block combo. But it’s not just pride anymore. It’s the curiosity he feels clenching his heart every time his gaze stays just a little too long on Yamaguchi’s back, every time he wonders where the freckles stop if it ever stops somewhere, every time he wants nothing more than kiss his perfect lips until they’re both breathless. It’s the need to hold Yamaguchi’s hand when they walk home together, the money he spent on earphones so they could listen to the same songs at the same time, the words he almost says every time they’re alone. It’s the love he knows is still growing.

He hopes it never stops. 

But then it’s the end of their third year and the beginning of a new life and Tsukishima’s terrified. Yamaguchi will go to Tokyo and move to a new apartment with two roommates Tsukishima doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to be paranoid but he can’t help it. What if something happens to Yamaguchi while he’s not here to watch over him? And what if something happens to him while Yamaguchi is away? What will they do? Will they still be friends with that much distance between them?

Every time they talk about college and what they want to do in the future, Tsukishima is overwhelmed by his own distress and he knows Yamaguchi has noticed. But the freckled boy didn’t say anything and maybe it was for the better. After all, Tsukishima had never done well with people pointing out he didn’t seem to be okay. But maybe they should have talked about it. Maybe they should have opened up to one another because Kei had so much to tell Tadashi, so much to say and confess. 

He wanted to tell him how he had been in love with him for the past four years, how he thought he’d grew tired of the butterflies living in his stomach, and how wrong he was. He wanted to tell him every day with him was a blessing and every hour spent away from him was a waste, that he only truly felt like himself when he was with him, that music wasn’t his only shield anymore, not since he realized his feelings for him were deeper than any feeling he ever felt. 

But Tsukishima didn’t get to tell him any of it. He didn’t even try. It wouldn’t be fair to Yamaguchi. He couldn’t drop this bomb on him the morning he’d left for Tokyo, he couldn’t ask him for an answer, promise him to always be by his side when they’d have to part a few minutes after the confession. And he didn’t want to be rejected in a public space, didn’t want to be rejected before being left alone, didn’t want to be rejected at all. So he decided to be a little more selfish and didn’t say anything. 

An _I love you_ on the tip on his tongue, Kei watched Tadashi leave Miyagi, tears silently falling down his cheeks. _It’s better this way_ , he tries to convince himself.

* * *

Two weeks ago, Tsukishima turned nineteen.

It wasn’t an important birthday, he was already an adult by age and it wasn’t the start of a new decade. Still, it had been the best birthday he ever had and simply because Yamaguchi came to visit him. He didn’t warn him beforehand, he just showed up and Tsukishima came home at the end of the day to the familiar smell of his favorite meal and the sound of a song he knew by heart. Their song. 

If he hadn’t been so tired, he probably would have run and jumped on Yamaguchi as soon as he understood who was there and why. He didn’t care that this was out of character for him, Tadashi was here and it was all that mattered to him at the moment. Instead, he leaned on the counter of his small kitchen and watched his best friend cook with a smile on his face. He laughed when Yamaguchi turned and yelped when he spotted him. Even though the song was a calm one, the noise was so loud he hadn’t heard him coming home. 

“Surprise?” Yamaguchi said while smiling with embarrassment.

“You came.”

“Very observant as always, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima melted when he heard that bit of playful sarcasm in Yamaguchi’s voice. Sure they called each other regularly but it was different when they were face to face. A good kind of different.

They spent the night watching Jurassic Park even though they already saw it a hundredth of times before but Yamaguchi didn’t mind. Honestly, Tsukishima had been way too distracted by Tadashi’s legs in his lap to pay attention to the movie and he was glad the lights were off, otherwise he would have had to explain why he was so damn red. 

Around midnight and as they were both yawning on the couch, Yamaguchi stood up and came back a few minutes later with a strawberry shortcake where a single candle was standing, almost too bright in the darkness of the living room. Tsukishima smiled then met Yamaguchi’s eyes and almost let a few tears escape his self-control as he averted his gaze. He felt so blessed. Blessed to be with the one person who truly mattered to him, blessed to be in love with someone as caring as Tadashi.

“Make a wish, Kei.”

And when he met Tadashi’s eyes again, Kei knew.

If the use of his given name wasn’t enough of a clue, the light in Tadashi’s expression, the faint smile on his lips and the way he was trying not to fidget with nervousness was enough for him to understand. 

_Please, stay with me until the end. Stay with me for the years to come, for the months we’ll share, for the weeks we’ll live together. Please stay with me until my last breath, stay by my side like there isn’t any other place you have to be. Please, stay._

As soon as Tsukishima blows his candle, all he can feel is his heart pounding in his chest and Yamaguchi’s lips on his in a sweet yet passionate kiss he waited for far too long. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream and tell Tadashi everything he always kept for himself but instead, he kissed again and again and again, only stopping to find his breath again but never long enough to forget the taste of the freckled boy’s lips. 

“I will. I promise you, I will,” Tadashi whispered in his ear a few hours later, an answer to Kei’s silent wish. A promise they both intend to keep.

But now it’s two weeks later and Tadashi’s gone. He’s back to Tokyo and maybe it won’t take him that long to visit Kei in Miyagi again but it feels like forever whenever the middle blocker has to go to a cold bed where someone was missing. More often than not, he couldn’t sleep for hours and tonight was one of those nights he spent on his little balcony, silently watching the sky and its wonders.

He had always felt drawn to the moon. 

People thought it was funny, a happy coincidence given the meaning of his name but really, it was more than that. Maybe it was the imperfections she would only show in the dark or her hidden side only the stars could see. Maybe it was the faint glow only the night owls could know, the feeling of peace she instigated in him and everything she touched. Maybe it was the stars shining beside her, never leaving her side no matter in what mood, in what phase she was. 

He often wondered if the moon felt lonely, just as he did. If she sometimes wished for the sun to stay a little bit longer at her side, to see what she was missing during the day, what she didn’t get to witness when she was up there, in the sky, all alone. Maybe she’d talk to the stars, asking for company, asking for someone, anyone. She must have spent a lot of time up there, maybe she’d found a special star, a star she would think highly of and take good care of, always watching her shining brightly at her side.

A special star, a special someone.

| _Tadashi_  
Are you awake? I can’t sleep

Kei couldn’t help but smile at the sight of the message on his phone. Giving a last glance at the moon, he went back to his room under the warmth of his blanket and typed an answer as quickly as he could. 

| _Kei_  
Can I call you?  
| _Tadashi_  
Sure! 

Tsukishima smiled. He didn’t know about the moon but one thing he knew was that he already found his special someone.

His special star.

**Author's Note:**

> I am so soft for their relationship, the trust they have and everything, I love them ;;


End file.
